As part of my daily ritual work, I give offerings to my “ancestors, protectors, and allies,” which includes my father, my grandparents, and the man who acted as a mentor to me as I delved into the occult world. There are some problematic elements to that practice: My grandmother’s abuse has caused lasting trauma in three generations of my family, my grandfather was heavily critical of my mother for being friends with a woman in an interracial marriage (and allow my sister and I to play with their children), and my mentor continuously pushed me toward racist, sexist, and homophobic attitudes.
There’s a lot of cruel and problematic behavior packed in all that, yet I still include them in my regular practice. I also honor ancestors that came before them, who practiced various forms of Christianity that upheld systems of racism, colonialism, and oppression. A lot of other pagans have had difficulty dealing with ancestor veneration because of this issue, and I know many that refuse to engage in the practice at all.
There have been two approaches major to this that I’ve seen. One is to accept that those who came before you have done bad and potentially terrible things, but have also done helpful things that you can draw from. In the case of my mentor, his treatment of women was manipulative and abusive, but he also instilled in me a value in education, which allowed me to become a better person. Frankly, this approach feels weak, like I’m letting him slide on his bad behavior because I benefited from his good behavior.
The other approach is to deconstruct and actively attempt to atone for or work against the bad examples. In my mentor’s case, I would not only reject misogyny, but also call it out in others when I see it. This is a more just approach, although some might argue that it puts some responsibility on a person for actions their ancestors took. (I would respond to that argument that if a person benefited from the bad behavior — especially if it is systemic — then they do bear responsibility in correcting those actions.)
For me, what it really comes down to is that I am a result of all of my ancestors, for good or bad. I can celebrate the good and do what I can to mitigate the bad, but I cannot ignore that those people from the past have contributed to who I am. Unfortunately, most of the teachings of my former mentor are remembered as morality tales of how not to be, but that influence and teaching is still important to who I am as a person.
Which brings me to my blog.
I have attempted to restart my writing many times, and failed most of them. The large gaps in posting has been a big sticking point for me, as have the changes in my practice and personal positions in that time. My earliest essays and post on this site are almost twenty years old, and a lot of my observations and political positions from just seven or eight years ago make me cringe (not to mention several of the authors and bloggers I’ve cited that have been deeply conspiracy-pilled). My magical practice and approach has shifted, my online activity is largely focused on conspiracy journalism, and I don’t even really use the name Chirotus anymore.
I don’t know how relevant my work is now, but I do know that in the past people have used some of my essays and blog posts as materials for their own group or personal work, and that alone is enough to ensure I keep this blog active, at least as an archive. But the question is, what about new contributions? I haven’t felt that I had much to say for a long while, but I think that’s starting to pass.
So I have a few ideas I’m turning over in my head:
- Archive Blacklight Metaphysics entirely, and start a new blog from scratch, covering topics of magic, social justice, and conspiracism.
- Continue writing to this blog, leaving all of the older content to stand on its own (and relearning all of the tags and categories I’ve long since forgotten).
- Continue writing on this blog, but address and respond to older essays and posts that no longer reflect my current practice or positions. This would allow me to salvage useful observations and material, would give me the chance to criticize problematic views I previously held, and gives me a large body of material to draw from for new posts. This also presents its own problems, as it can be boring (Wil Wheaton did this in one of his autobiographies, and it was kind of insufferable), and could also come across as yet another middle-aged white guy bragging about how enlightened he’s become.
I think for now I’m going to leave things as they are and make some new contributions as I’m able. But I’ll be thinking about what I want to accomplish from this blog and how best to go about that, and hopefully getting a little bit to of feedback along the way.
Blacklight Metaphysics 