Love the One You’re With

If you’re down and confused
And you can’t remember who you’re talkin’ to
Concentration slips away
‘Cuz your baby is so far away

About two decades ago, I was emotionally involved with a girl that I call Jewel. She was the first person that I ever fell in love with. She was also the first person to emotionally manipulate me. (Well, first non-relative at any rate.)

I was utterly smitten with her, but I didn’t understand what that meant. I was willing to do anything for her, and she was eager to take full advantage of that. I had some romantic notion that we were meant for each other and destined to be with each other forever, and she encouraged that notion as long as 1) it meant she could coax favors and gifts from me, and 2) she was able to convince me that the time for us to be together was some time in the near future, but not in the actual present (we can’t be together right now, but we will be soon).

Eventually I got the hint. It took one of her friends pulling me aside and telling me to my face that Jewel was just using me and did not actually want to be with me. (She wasn’t gentle about it. She actually screamed it at me in front of a group of their friends. They all laughed at me. They had been in on the joke.)

We avoided each other for a time, and I kind of moved on. But not entirely.

Well there’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey love the one you’re with

I met another girl, who I refer to as Diamond. She was much more stable, and actually respected me. We got along very well, and started dating.

I was her first love. She was utterly smitten with me, but I don’t think she really understood what that meant. Things went well until an incident where my car broke down on a date and I lost my temper and kicked the car in frustration. Her parents had divorced in part because of her father’s violent nature, and I had scared her. We stopped seeing each other.

Don’t be angry, don’t be sad
Don’t sit cryin’ of about the good times you had
There’s a girl right next to you
And she’s just waiting for something to do

A while later, I reached out to Diamond. I left an unsigned birthday card on her car. She knew it was me, and she called. We started seeing each other again. About the same time, Jewel showed back up, and we started talking again.

I was confused. Jewel had a knack for feeding and taking advantage of my natural insecurities. She fed my doubts. That’s how she kept me in check. Diamond genuinely wanted to be with me, but I couldn’t accept that. I kept wondering what she saw in me, what she wanted from me. Because when you’ve been in manipulative relationships, a person who says they don’t want anything from you makes you nervous.

Ultimately, I was still holding on to my connection with Jewel. And because of that, I wasn’t able to devote my full attention to Diamond (who would have made a far superior mate, and was an excellent choice for a long-term partner). And in the long run, I lost them both.

There’s a rose in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can’t be with the one you love
Honey love the one you’re with

I ended up in a marriage that I felt obligated into. I still felt crushing guilt for the way I screwed Diamond over, disgust and hatred for Jewel, and regret that I hadn’t gone after Pearl instead. And I’m talking about dealing with relationship baggage or processing emotions from old involvements — I mean that I was still putting energy into those old relationships, still maybe hoping that I might be able to revisit and repair some of them.

When I divorced, I tried to look up Pearl. I actually got a hold of Diamond and we talked (and she told me she never wanted to talk to me again — I request I have honored to this day). I’m not sure what I was hoping for — rebuilding a friendship, a relationship, atoning somehow? But I wasn’t able to let those go.

Turn your heartaches run into joy
She’s a girl and you’re a boy
Get it together, make it nice
Ain’t gonna need anymore advice

After a lot of work, I moved on. I got involved in a long term relationship that went very well at first, but soured after about five years. By the time it ended I was relieved more than anything. I hope that it is because I was a bit more mature, but I did not pine after the loss of this relationship, and had no hope to rekindle, repair, or revisit it at all. I had given as much effort as I could have (and more) into that relationship, and I was satisfied it was done.

The Land of Birth-Starved Babes

My old Mentor used to teach classes on the Kabbalah. His interpretation of it was a little different than some of the other sources I have since been exposed to, even though he did give me some insight into some things that were already covered by Israel Regardie or Aleister Crowley or the like. I’m not sure how much of that difference was because of what he had studied, personal revelations he had had, or if he was completely bullshitting me.

I suppose in the end it doesn’t matter much.